“Somehow my inner child convinced people in her life that she was the most amazing person in the entire world, when in reality she, like everybody else, has strengths and weaknesses. I am not sad these dynamics exist, that is of my own making. I am sad that my inner child lived in a world where she needed to perform in order to gain acceptance.” – field notes from scouting
I am not sure if my inner child felt like the only way forward was through performance or if that was actually reality. Memories are convoluted and multidimensional. But what I do know is my inner child often felt the need to place walls between her failures and her loved ones. I guess I always thought that my problems could never be as significant as theirs and bottled mine up. Or that I enjoyed feeling like a ‘strong friend.’
What I have now learned is that I have a long road of reconstruction ahead of me regarding my friendships, fear of vulnerability and my levels of honesty. Although I didn’t know better as a child, my inability to show my scars to the people who loved me was dishonest and stemmed from fear. But I know these things now, and it's in my best interest to acknowledge them and move forward accordingly.
Break your perceptions of perfection. There is no such thing as the strong friend. There is only a friend who lacks boundaries and vulnerability. It is not even honorable to pretend like someone you aren’t. Let the mask go, speak up for what you need.
